Culture Beating

PoPoWOW

2009-09-02T07:23:00.001-07:00

Seriously, I feel bad for this guy.

King Douche

2009-09-02T07:01:00.000-07:00

UsMagazine.com is reporting that douche extraordinaire, Spencer Pratt, is legally changing his name to King Spencer Pratt.

"I've decided since there is a Queen of England and a Prince William that there should be a king of America," he tells Us. "I nominate myself for that role."

He goes on to ~~be douchey~~ say that his wife, pop-~~star~~performer Heidi Montag, is:

"...the new, modern-day, 2010 Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson's in heaven," he said. "The Holy Spirit now has extra Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with some of that Michael Jackson divine spirit."

Isn't MJ's "juice" what got him in trouble in the first place? What kind of douche would want to give any fluid of MJ's to his wife? ugh.

That being said, this guy needs a beat-down. Even if he's taking a page from Paris Hilton's play book and making all of this up, he's still an unbelievable douche! Make a sex-tape or something.

In other news...

2009-07-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

Credit: Ethan Miller/Getty

Tell me this bitch don't look like she's on crack...

sigh Enough already

2009-07-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

I know I've blogged about it, but I really think we should all stop talking about MJ. There have been 15 different drugs mentioned in his death. People are going over his kids birth certificates, his will, etc., etc.

Enough.

The man is dead.

As eccentric and crazy as he was, he's just a dead guy now. He's got kids that have a mess to sort out. Let them, his family, and the executors of his will sort it out.

Give it a rest. I will if you do.

Michael Jackson Didn't Have a Heart Attack

2009-06-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

Last night Mrs. Gendarme bursts into the living room saying "OMG, Michael Jackson had a heart attack." I responded with my usual kindness, saying "He didn't have a a heart attack, he had a (airquotes)"heart attack.""

As usual, I was probably right.

Jacko's had a long time problem with prescription pain killers, including Demerol, which his family has stated he took a massive injection of before he died. Did he kill himself? Did he just OD? We probably wont ever know.

Do I care? No. Not really.

Celebrities are always getting whisked away to Cedars to be hospitalized for "exhaustion." It's doctor-speak for "dude stayed up partying for 3 days on Jack Daniels and coke." We only hear about them because they are "celebrities" and given special status in our lives.

MJ was a messed up dude. He had myriad problems: He was crazy, he liked little boys, he had a drug problem, he was obsessed with his looks and self mutilation. He obviously had an addictive personality. Lets stop speculating.

No matter how it happened, Michael Jackson killed himself. The addicted part of him killed the rest of him. Doesn't matter how it happened. It happened.

If you can't stop doing something, no matter how hard you've tried and other people have tried to help, let this be a wake up call to you. Get help. Admit that you have a problem. Be honest about it. No matter the problem, you're not the only one in the world that has it. Even if you're Michael Jackson.

Wait, Adam Lambert is gay? Whuuuuuu?!?

2009-06-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

Matthew Rolston/ Rolling Stone

Ok. I'm not really surprised. I mean who really is? Glambert himself didn't think he was fooling anyone.

"I don't think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I'm gay." - Adam Lambert in Rolling Stone

See? Now the question remains...did middle America not vote for him simply because he is gay?

Please see here:

Roger Caitlin - TV Eye
Did his sexual orientation cost Adam Lambert the "American Idol" crown?

Yahoo Questions
"Do you really want the representative of America to be a flaming homosexual with an emo haircut?"

US Weekly
Did Adam Lambert lose American Idol to Kris Allen because of his sexuality?

I'm not the only one who thinks that might be the case. There were many more links, but I think this gives a good cross section.

I guess we can have a black president, but not a gay American Idol yet.

Susan Boyle, you're not a worthwhile person

2009-05-27T07:24:00.001-07:00

Link to Susan Boyle video

Seriously with this Susan Boyle chick.

I've had it up to HERE (holds hand way above head) with this dowdy wannabe singer.

I don't care how good Britain thinks she is. SHE SUCKS. She is not good. She is not a good singer. She is fat. She is ugly. Her teef are fuuuuucked up. Her hair is a mess.

On another note, WHO FUCKING CARES? Since when did we care about America's Got Talent, let alone Brits who ain't got none?

I started listening to this performance and had to shut it off.

The worst part, well one of the worst parts, is that she said that "winning will prove she's a worthwhile person." Guess what sister, it wont. You'll still be fat, ugly, have messed up teefs and a rats nest for hair. I PROMISE that if you were attractive and self confident they would have booted your ass from the show a long time ago. The only reason she's on at all is because she's odd looking.

Oh, and people keep saying she's an inspiration. TO WHOM? Not me. I'm not a fat, ugly British housewife.

Let it go America. I don't want to see or hear her name any longer.

You're not a celebrity. Get us out of here.

2009-05-22T06:26:00.001-07:00

I honestly have to say that I can't blog better than this. Please see the following: EW.com's Pop Watch

Guy Next Door, 1 - Guyliner, 0

2009-05-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah, Kris was as surprised as I was. Mrs. Gendarme wasn't surprised, but I definitely was.

The dark horse, as it were, came through. CW says that he picked up Danny's votes...they certainly weren't going to Glambert. In the end I think the guyliner was just too much for middle America. These are the same people that voted for Taylor Hicks, mind you.

That, and there's Alabama or Arkansas or whatever state Kris is from, who provided something on the order of 37 MILLION VOTES alone. Just goes to show you, America still isn't ready to vote for the ~~gays~~ glammy.

They see me rollin'...they hatin'

2009-05-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

How is Glambert not going to win?

2009-05-20T07:47:00.000-07:00

As Ryan said last night, it was the battle of "the guy next door vs. the guyliner." I couldn't have summed it up better myself, even if I wore guyliner.

To be honest, I didn't see all of both of their performances last night. I was too busy at the gym. However, I did see them both perform the final song "co-written" by Kara DioGuardi, No Boundaries. I think Simon summed up the song best when he said "It's the mountains and the hurricanes. " Just judging them on their performance on that song it seems obvious that Glambert is going to win. Kris was really boring with that song, totally pitchy, and just not into it.

So, Glambert is going to be the next American Idol. That begs the question, will anyone care? I can't imagine every buying anything he records. That "single" he sang last night wasn't terrible coming from him, but I'd still change the station on the radio if it came on.

What kind of music is he going to sing? Will he record songs from Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Glamcoat? One night in Glamcok? I can't imagine him doing a pop album. Emo kids wont like him because he's really not emo enough. (Is faux-emo a word? I think i just coined it!)

Glam is dead. Freddy Mercury? Dead. No one is doing glam anymore and Glambert doesn't have the chops to bring it back. So we're left with some lame pop guy. Whoopee

Wow, she looks good

2009-05-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know it's been a while, so I thought I'd start off slow.

I can't decide which looks worse: the chunky heels, her vapid drug addled eyes, or the horrible, truly horrible, dredlocked ~~weave~~ exstensions she's got in there.

Amy Winehouse has Crackysema

2008-06-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

Hey, guess what, drugs are bad.

Who didn't know that? Amy Winehosue didn't know that. She smoked crack. Now she's got emphysema, a disease normally reserved for 70 year old cigarette smokers. Lil' Amy is only 24. Poor Lil' Amy.

"The doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs, it won't just ruin her voice, it will kill her." -Mitch Winehouse

Really? Drugs kill? No shit. Who says "smoking drugs" anyway?

21 Counts of Having Sexual Intercourse with a Minor was The Case That They Gave Me

2008-06-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

No longer Trapped in the Closet of the Cook County Courthouse, R. Kelly was acquitted today of all charges against him related to a video tape allegedly featuring him and a 14 year old girl.

At the center of the defence's case was whether or not the man in the tape had a mole on his back, which Kelly apparently does.

Who cares? He allegedly carried around a duffel bag of sex tapes he had made. A DUFFEL BAG!

Jeebus! What's a guy gotta do to be a convicted freak show around here? Pee on a girl? Oh, wait, that wont do it either.

John Mayer is High...wait for it...larious!

2008-05-09T06:23:00.001-07:00

Please enjoy this clip from John Mayer, courtesy of FunnyOrDie.com

Overheard of the Week

2008-03-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

I had to pass this along. From DCist:

Crystal City Metro stop a few weeks ago:

Three military guys were crowded around a Metro turnstile trying to exit, but their card wasn't working.

Miltary guy: "How do I get out of here?"

Passing businessman: "What's wrong, no exit strategy?"

Now that's a Culture Beating!

2008-03-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

Kudos to you, Ashton Kutcher. You finally got them.

Your new show, Pop Fiction, seeks to fool the paparazzi by setting up fake gossip stories. This one was pretty good. Even Mrs. Gendarme was fooled.

Seeing how I think all of this "star-watching" is ridiculous in the first place, I'm glad to see the "paps" getting their due.

Even though Paris Hilton is a butthole. Like I give a shit.

(Title links to video)

New Indiana Jones Trailer?

2008-02-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is:

I'm not really sure what to think. It's hardly awe inspiring. The special effects look computer generated. Who the hell are all of those people? Indiana Jones works alone, dammit!

I can't say I'm on board. I need to see more...which is sad.

Holy Christ Daniel Shorr

2008-01-17T07:22:00.000-08:00

First, listen to this "story" by NPR's Daniel Shorr.

I mean this guy really has to be taken off of the air. What is he saying that's new? Or news for that matter? Is he breaking stories? Can that even be called holding a mirror up to society?

No, it's just called mumbling. The man can barely talk. HE'S ON THE RADIO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! It's not like he's Dick Clark and only needs to get wheeled out for 5 minutes once a year. NPR keeps putting him on the radio almost daily.

It's time to call for an end to stroke victims on the airwaves. I honestly change the station every time he is on. Please Daniel Shorr, just go home.

Ohhhhhh boy

2008-01-17T07:11:00.000-08:00

Wow. Honestly, all I can say is Wow. My lovely wife told me about some clips she saw of a ~~cult~~ Scientology video featuring ~~Xenu's Bitch~~ Tom Cruise receiving some kind of Scientology award. I found the clips on TMZ.com, but they are just the tip of the iceberg.

I then found this clip on YouTube (you have to watch all 4 minutes, it's worth it):

I mean wow. This is 4 minutes of peeing in my pants I'll never get back. This scared the crap out of me! What's with all the code words? I figured out what LRH means. What about KSW? SP? WTF is Crim-anon???

Holy crap Tom Cruise! You better hope no one reads TMZ, looks at YouTube, or reads my blog. Even the biggest TC fan won't be able to stomach you after this.

I say all of this knowing I could be taken out by a Scientology bullet with my name on it, or a bolt of lightning from Xenu himself. If you don't hear from me for a while, I think you know what happened.

Spec-damn-tacular

2008-01-14T14:40:00.001-08:00

Ok...Chuck Norris has now taken over everything, and is the true King of All Media.

Note this story on NPR.

And the fact Chuck cannot be blended.

Ho ho ho-ld on a minute there, Santa

2007-11-15T06:07:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while kids, but little things called life come up now and again.

And I really hate to come back sounding like ~~Satan~~ Bill O'Reilly, but this story was really too ridiculous to pass up.

Apparently, store Santas in Sydney, Australia are being told to say 'Ha ha ha' instead of 'Ho ho ho' because the latter might be offensive to women.

Who you callin a 'ho??

I mean seriously, what woman is honestly going to be offended by a Santa Claus saying 'Ho ho ho'? I would very much like to meet her, if only to say "Hellho." Of course she would probably sue me just for having male genitalia, so maybe it's not a good idea.

Here's the deal. I don't think that rappers calling women bitches and hos in songs is very helpful. Just like using the "N-word" isn't helpful. But has it really entered our popular consciousness so deeply that if anyone uses the word 'Ho,' or "hoe" even, that people think they are being called a whore? When I hear rappers sing ~~nigga~~ "N-word" this and ~~nigga~~ "N-word" that, I don't think they are talking to me. It's an effing song people! I don't really think Carrie Underwood goes around carving her name into the leather seats of guys 4x4s either.

Maybe we as a race, meaning the human race, have devolved to such stupidity that we think anytime someone else is speaking we think they are talking to us. Blame TV, blame the radio, blame trans-fats, blame Canada, I don't really care. What do we have to do to make people less stupid?

It's back bitches!

2007-08-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

Oh yes...you've waited so long, but now you can see all new episides of R Kelly's masterpiece, TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET. Yessssss!

If you missed the first 12, yes 12, episodes, they are all available on IFC.com. Chapter 17 just came out today. A new episide will air online every day until episode 22.

I'm telling you, it's genius. The unfortunate part is that he doens't understand how funny it is, but really it just makes it that much more funny.

You should really watch from the beginning if you haven't seen them.

I can't wait for the next chapter!

I may get my own beating for posting this...

2007-08-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

But it's really just too funny to pass up.

It's done by the morning show on The World Famous KROQ. If you've ever been to Glendale, CA, you'll love this.

ARMENIAN PRIDE!!!

brow down

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Seriously though, it's a hard parking lot to navigate

2007-08-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

In her latest couple of genius moments, Miss Brit managed to clip a car as she was pulling into a parking space at a Studio City strip mall. I go to this strip mall a couple of times a month, as the nearest PetCo is there and I must get my kitty his vittles. I have to say, it's a notoriously hard lot to park in. The spaces are very narrow and there is not a lot of room to make a proper turn. That said, usually most people can STOP THE EFFING CAR before hitting a parked car.

As she said in the clip, "I'm a brainiac."

On top of that, US Weekly is now reporting, according to MSNBC, that Britney asked a dentist in LA to whiten Sean Preston's teeth! Are you kidding me? Nursing mothers aren't even supposed to get their teeth whitened, and she wants to have this kids baby teeth bleached?!? On top of that, she reportedly gives her kids Doritos, soda and chewing gum.

Once again Britney's behavior is proving an excellent argument for making people get a license to have a child.

That poor little rich girl...

2007-07-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Ooops, I did it again...oh wait, that's the wrong young Hollywood starlet.

So I get to work this morning at 6am and there are news crews and helicopters all over the place. I'm thinking there's an accident on the 10 freeway. But no, it's Lindsay Lohan getting busted for yet another DUI. And this time she was, allegedly, chasing someone in another car.

There are a lot of great parts to this story.

First, what's the point of having a SCRAM ankle monitor attached to you if it's not stopping you from drinking? According to TMZ.com Ms. Lohan refused a brethalyzer test. Is that because she knew that they would be able to prove she was drinking anyway?

Second, we know she likes the booger sugar. But does she not realize that they would find the stuff in her pants pocket when they searched her? So that means that she'll have a count added on of bringing a controlled substance into a custody facility. Not smart.

Third, how great is it that it happened right outside of my building?!?! I'm just sorry that I missed it. Do you have any idea how much a picture of that would have gone for???

Anyway, I do feel sorry for the girl. I mean if getting busted for a DUI, having your picture plastered all over the world wasted, and wearing an alcohol monitor don't keep you from drinking and drugging, I really don't know what will.

I hope she gets the help she needs, although it doesn't seem to be working at the moment.

Taking it to the limit...

2007-07-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone...

So I've opened up my own t-shirt shop online. http:\\pimpchalet.spreadshirt.com is the place where you can get all of your "I'd rather be pimpin" t-shirts and buttons, etc.

Please, take a moment and check it out...you'll enjoy it!

Girl Hearts Sock Monkey

2007-03-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, I admit it. I watch American Idol. But before I have to change my name to "He Hate Me" just put aside your personal feelings about the show and take a look at this sock monkey come to life.

Not only is he creepy, not only does he prance around the stage like a sexually confused 12 year old boy playing dress up in mommy's clothes in front of the mirror, but he can't sing either.

Did you read it? Go back and read his little info sheet on that link. His goal in life? To "become witty." He's not witty. He wants to become witty. How does one do that, exactly?

Ok, so he wants to be pretty and witty and bright and he can't sing like Maria.

That doesn't stop this girl from FREAKING OUT.

Seriously. This girl was crying, Ed Sullivan Show, Beatles first appearance in America style.

I almost had a seizure. I mean great jumping Jehosaphat...I've never wished that someone was actually mentally handicapped more in my life. How else could you explain her blubbering?

But no, she's just a sweet girl that loves American Idol. And for thinking that she was "slow" I'll probably go to hell.

But those few minutes after I saw her crying, and the Hair Idol with Eyebrows hugged her with that "ewwwww, girls" look on his face, I was happy...frightened, but happy.

Runnin' for Women!

2007-03-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

It is estimated that one in seven American women will develop breast cancer at some point in her life. In 2007, more than 178,400 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer, more than 22,400 will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer and more than 55,800 will be diagnosed with other women's cancers. More than 68,400 will lose their lives to these deadly diseases.

Breast cancer has touched all of our lives. It is for this reason that I am participating in the 2007 Revlon Run/Walk for Women, May 12th.

Created in 1993 the Revlon Run/Walk For Women has grown to become one of the nation's largest 5K fund-raising events. To date, the Run/Walks (LA/NY) have distributed nearly $40 million dollars for cancer research, counseling, and outreach programs. Thanks in part to these funds, new treatments are being developed and lives are being saved.

Please help me make a difference in the fight against women's cancers.

You can visit my website to pledge.

In addition to my goal personal goal of raising $2000, I will be organizing a team of runners from my office. I have challenged them to raise $10,000 as a team. If you are in Los Angeles and would like to participate in the Run/Walk, please let me know. We'd love to have you on the team.

I have also challenged myself to run the 5K in less than 25 minutes! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

The Food Police Strike Again

2007-02-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

A Desired Epidemic: Obesity and the Food Industry by Deborah Cohen

In her February 20th Op-Ed on washingtonpost.com, RAND Scientist Deborah Cohen makes the case that people aren't to blame for their own obesity, that the blame lies solely in the hands of the food manufacturing and marketing industries.

Hold on a minute.

Now while I agree that "Big Food"(TM - I don't know if I can trademark that, but I want to) does have a lot to do with the fact that we have been presented with poor options for what to put into our bodies, the fact remains that each and every one of us picks up the food, puts it in our mouths and swallows it. No one is making us do that, no bell rings to elicit a Pavlovian response, as Cohen suggests. Most people know that you should have a carrot stick instead of a french fry.

Where does personal responsibility fall into the picture?

I think a larger problem to rail against, if you feel like railing, is one of education. Yes, there is bad food out there. Lets identify it, let people know it's bad so they can make the choice to eat it or not.

Take cigarettes, for example. They haven't gone anywhere. We've known, officially, since 1964 that smoking is bad for you. It kills people, causes cancer and a host of other diseases. We find out that it causes new diseases every year. And yet cigarettes are still sold in every state in the nation, and all over the world.

The only intervention that has worked to reduce smoking is education. Teaching people that smoking will kill them. According to the CDC, in 1966 42.6% of the US population smoked. In 2005, only 20.9 percent of the population smokes. Smoking has been reduced every year since 1966 and the release of the Surgeon General's report on Smoking.

Even then, there are people who continued to smoke, not believing that the tobacco companies would produce, sell, and market a product they knew to be harmful.

It is foolish to think, in a capitalistic society, that corporations will look out for the public good over their own. The only time that corporations change their habits is through government intervention (i.e. labels on cigarettes, Nutritional Information).

Regardless of the best way to solve the problem of obesity, Ms. Cohen talks about the Food Industry as if it is not run by people, and makes decisions on its own, without human oversight.

Unless you have a medical condition, or an actual eating disorder, only you can prevent obesity in your own pants. The Food Industry isn't going to start marketing carrot sticks. It falls on the individual to decide what they put into their mouth.

That said, without proper education people will make bad decisions. How many people would buy a Supersize Fries if there was a warning label on it saying "THE SATURATED FAT IN THIS FOOD CAN CAUSE HEART DISEASE, OBESITY AND DEATH?" Not many, I think.

Having said all of that, I know Deb Cohen. I work down the hall from her. She's about 5'4" and just over 100 lbs. She's not who I want to hear about struggles with obesity from.

Unhappy Meals

2007-02-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

This article, published in the Jan 28 NY Times Magazine, has the most obvious, simple and yet hardest to put into practice advice about eating and health that I have ever read.

While I'm not ready to completely discount everything a nutritionist says, his point, that almost everything that the "nutritionism movement" told us we needed to do for our health has turned out not to be true, is true. Low fat is better...we now know that good fats are better than low fat, especially when fat is replaced by sugars and other processed ingredients.

If you don't have time to read all 12 pages, the last two, which feature his rules for ensuring you eat healthily, are the important parts to read.

Basically, he says you should eat less, not eat processed food, and stick to the historically and culturally popular foods of your great-great-grandmother's recipe box.

There is a lot to be said for this. However, you need to keep in mind that when people say eat like the French, that doesn't mean you can have butter and bread whenever you want it. It means that you have to actually eat like the French all of the time. Eating the Mediterranean diet doesn't mean just adding olive oil to your diet (or worse), it means eating little meat, mostly plants with some fish, all of the time, not just sometimes.

The trouble is that it becomes a problem since our culture has truly changed since the 1800's. Trying to live as a peasant Okinawan man in 2007 in the middle of Los Angeles when you have a job, baby and spend hours commuting every day is next to impossible. I don't have the time, nor does anyone I know, to spend hours in the kitchen every day preparing food I raised sustainably on my land. I don't have land. I have a 1 bedroom plus a loft within walking distance of a freeway and a Ralph's.

The question then becomes where is the happy medium? How can I eat well, within a reasonable budget, and still be a productive member of the society I currently live in, not an agrarian society of 100 years ago?

That's the question that we really need to answer.

Is there even an answer to that question? Or has capitalism, the coupon, and the car changed us irrevocably?

Anyone?

The Anxiety of Appetite

2007-01-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

In his new book, "The Gospel of Food," Barry Glassner pokes some holes into the popularly accepted notions of what our food priorities should be.

Here's a couple of excerpts from his Salon.com interview:

I think there are millions and millions of Americans who try to follow one version or another of the "gospel of naught," which is this notion that the worth of a meal lies primarily in what it lacks rather than what it has. So the less sugar, salt, fat, calories, preservatives, animal products, carbs, additives or whatever the person is concerned about, the better the food. And this seems to me a quite curious notion that's worth a lot more attention than we've given it.

It's true. People are more focused on figuring out what they shouldn't eat that they don't take any time to figure out what they should be eating.

I see relatively little organized attention to hunger, for example, relative to, for instance, the kind of effective and organized campaigns against particular types of foods, like trans fats. When somewhere around 35 million to 40 million Americans are facing hunger every year it seems to me that that would be the top priority of any reasonable food activist. The ban on trans fats may be a good thing, but should it be the first thing? Should it take precedence over much more pressing food issues like hunger in the city, or the availability of fresh foods to the poor in the city? No, not for one minute.

While I am a large proponent of removing trans fats, you have to stop and think about what our priorities should be in terms of the advancement of nutrition. If someone is hungry, I'd rather them eat Oreos than nothing at all.

Some food for thought.

Cruel Sommer in Newsweek

2007-01-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Little Sister pushes her way into mainstream media once again...way to go sis!

Cruel Sommer on NPR

2007-01-11T11:33:00.000-08:00

Little Sister was on NPR Weekend America talking about how Washington DC is dealing with the effects of the recent election. Download here... NPR.org

Didn't she do a good job? Way to go sis!

Cats are taking over Los Angeles

2007-01-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

So I'm taking a walk on New Year's Day, walking past a fenced off piece of land adjacent to the 101. I notice that there is a woman, hiding behind a tarp that is attached to the fence, feeding a clowder of cats. (Yes clowder is the term for a group of cats) There must have been 15 cats coming in or going out of the bushes. She wasn't homeless, didn't look particularly crazy, aside from the fact that she was hiding behind a tarp feeding feral cats in the bushes.

My wife and co-workers tell me I'm crazy to let this bother me. I don't know why, but I just don't think it's right to keep cats out in the bushes!

Here's the really interesting part. The Los Angeles City Department of Animal Services, according to the City Code, does not pick up stray cats. To quote the woman I spoke to at the East Valley Animal Shelter, "Cats have free reign over Los Angeles."

Perhaps it was her lack of mastery of the English language, but that is an interesting choice of words, isn't it? Is there a secret cabal of cats that are ruling Los Angeles? Is Mayor Antonio Villaragrosa (roughly translates into House of Cats...ok, not really) really a member of the feline species? She didn't say that they are allowed to "roam" the city, or that they have free "range," which is still not proper grammar, she said "reign."

American Heritage Dictionary
reign (rān) Pronunciation Key n.
Exercise of sovereign power, as by a monarch.
The period during which a monarch rules.
Dominance or widespread influence: the reign of reason.
"reign." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 05 Jan. 2007. Dictionary.com

Between the cats and the monkeys, what are we going to do?

Rodgers and Hammerstein are rolling over in their graves

2006-12-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

For some reason, unknown to me, I found myself watching the Billboard awards last night. Oh, I know why, it was because I couldn't stomach another dose of germiphobe Howie Mandel on the contrivedly insipid Deal, or No Deal.

Anyway, I'm watching the show, and Gwen Stefani comes on, singing her new "song" Wind It Up. Notice the quotation marks on the word "song." I think performance piece might be more accurate than song. Here, take a listen.

Now admitedly the "song" is slightly better recorded than live, but how can anyone really call this a song? When I saw her perform it live, it was like watching some kind of manequan screaming about some nonsense, with blonde japanese backup dancers, and lamb on stage (is the plural of lamb, lambs?).

So, aside from the yodelling, which seems to defy understanding universally, what is it about this piece of crap that I don't understand? Am I really getting that old that I'm losing touch with popular culture? I'm not even 30! I can't really just not understand music anymore! There are tons of songs out there that I don't like, but I can at least understand that they are songs, with music, and actual lyrics. Not what passes for lyrics:

Wind it up
Wind it up
Wind it up
Odl lay odl lay odl-oo

This is the key that makes us wind up
When the beat comes on the girls all line up
And the boys all look but, no, they can’t touch
But the girls want to know why boys like us so much
They like the way we dance
They like the way we work
They like the way that L.A.M.B. is going ‘cross my shirt
They like the way my pants, it compliments my shape
They like the way we react every time we hear the…
Every time the bass bang
Realize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up and don’t stop ‘til your time is up (get in line now)

Wind it up
Wind it up
Wind it up
Odl lay odl lay odl-oo

I mean seriously, she's not even rapping...she's just kind of speak-singing. And once you've heard Shatner with Henry Rollins there's really no way to follow.

Seriously, what am I missing here?

Shocking, I know

2006-11-27T12:49:00.000-08:00

The part I love the most is that Pam and Kid (did I just write that?) made such a big freaking deal out of getting married all over the damned world like 15 times. If they had a little private ceremony, like normal people, then I don't think news of their divorce would please me so. I know I shouldn't count on celebrities to not be hypocrites, but I like to try and hold everyone to the same standards.

Serves her right, after killing all of those helpless little turtles and dolphins and such.

Whatever...where's the canned tuna?

The Incredible Shrinking Woman & Other Publicity Oddities

2006-11-20T16:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, take a look at this photo. Katie looks like she's the same height as Tom, right? Maybe even a little shorter than him?

Ok, now look at her leg? Does it look bent to you?

Ok, now look at the imdb.com bios for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Even if those heights are accurate (knowing that actors lie about their height all the time...Tom is more like 5ft 6 and Katie is closer to 5ft 11) there is no way that she isn't bending down for him!

Photo by Rogers & Cowan/Robert Evans

Take a look at this photo of them on a red carpet.

That looks more like an accurate photo, doesn't it?

Makes me ask what else she will stoop to.

----------------------------------------------------------------
On to other news...

O.J. book, TV special are canceled

Maybe Rupert Murdoch isn't such a bad guy after all? Ok, maybe he's just kowtowing to public pressures put upon a publicly traded company, but at least people won't be able to purchase this book and Fox won't be able to make advertising money off of this sorry excuse for an interview.

I mean seriously, how is a publisher interviewing one of her authors journalism in the first place? It should have been billed as a publicity stunt, which would have at least been accurate.

Unfortunately, OJ did get another 15 minutes in the spotlight, and will get 15 more just because the book and "interview" were cancelled.

Someone put a cork in him.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Another call for an NPR retirement party. Daniel Shorr, it's time to unplug the microphone.

OK, you've had a long and distinguished career. However, your partisan (although accurate) rants on Morning Edition have got to stop.

Whatever persuaded NPR management to allow you to comment live during the mid-terms? It was all I could do to keep from changing the radio dial.

I can't understand what you're saying half time time. I appreciate your years of service, but I think that 60 years as an active newsman is enough.

NPR, it's time to bring in some fresh perspectives to speak to younger generations if you want to keep people listening.

Political/Election Thoughts

2006-11-02T16:17:00.000-08:00

OK, I know it's been about a long time, but I've been busy raising my kid yo!

On to other things...

--Does anyone seriously think that John Kerry was trying to insult the troops? Even Trent Lott doesn't. But maybe things are pretty bad when you're being compared to Trent Lott making a racist statement.

--Have you checked out Fantasy Congress? I haven't yet, but plan to. But not if it means I have to start reading Congressional Record. yawn

That's it for now...

p.s. I'm renewing my calls for Carl Kassel's ouster. I can't stand his mush mouth any longer!

Connecticut: Snoring its way to November

2006-08-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

Can you believe this ad?

And Joe wonders why he's lost touch.

Pam Anderson Kills Marine Life (allegedly)

2006-08-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

I hate hypocrisy.

I'm watching TV and I see some shaky video shot from a boat of Pam Anderson's wedding to Kid Rock on some other boat in the ocean. Then I see a enormous bunch of white and silver balloons being released from the boat. (If anyone can find this footage in the internets, please post the link)

Now we all know that Pam Anderson is a huge supporter of animal rights, and of PETA. Is she that stupid to not know that those balloons will come down eventually, and most likely, come down in the ocean where various marine animals will eat, choke on them, and die?

I suggest you write to pam@pamelaanderson.com to tell her what you think of her hypocrisy.

I'm handling PETA:

Re: Dangers to marine animals of balloons being released
The Gendarme

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:02:37 AM
To:PETA Representative

Dear PETA,

Are you aware that one of your most prominent
spokespersons, Pamela Anderson, release balloons from a boat off the coast of St. Moritz after one of her weddings?

What is PETA's response to her hypocrisy?

The Gendarme
----- Original Message ----
From: a PETA Representative
To: The Gendarme
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 1:59:24 PM
Subject: RE: Dangers to marine animals of balloons being released

Thank you for your e-mail to PETA.

Releasing a balloons into the environment can be deadly for any animal, including birds, fish, cats, dogs, and even horses. Animals may think that remnants of balloons are food, which can of course have fatal consequences for them. Not only can such balloon releases injure or kill animals, but they certainly contribute to pollution and unnecessary waste in the environment.

PETA does not currently offer any printed literature on this subject, but you can find additional details by viewing the following page on the Web site for the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS).
For more information about helping and living in harmony with wildlife, please visit our site http://www.HelpingWildlife.com.

Thanks again for your e-mail, and for your interest in PETA.

Sincerely,

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
Are you prepared? Protect
and help animals this summer: http://www.helpinganimals.com/f-disasterChecklist.asp http://www.helpinganimals.com/animalsHome_dogs_hot.asp
Support Our Work: http://www.SupportPETA.com
------
From: The Gendarme
Sent: Thursday, August 03, 2006 6:24 PM
To: info
Subject: Dangers to marine animals of balloons being released
Hello,
I could not find any information on your website about the risks to
marine life of people releasing balloons as a form of celebration.
Can you
please send me some information regarding this topic?
Thank you.
The Gendarme

Then I got this back from PETA, moments after sending it:

Yes, we are aware of Pamela Anderson's balloon release, and no, we obviously don't condone it. Since Ms. Anderson was not aware of the dangers this type of activity posed, her actions would therefore not qualify as "hypocrisy." We have, however, contacted her to inform her about it, and we are certain that she will refrain from releasing balloons in the future.

Ms. Anderson isn't perfect, but she has done far more to help animals and promote PETA's work than we could ever ask for. We remain extremely grateful to her for her efforts and for her unwavering dedication to helping animals.

Thank you,

"a PETA Representative"
Senior Correspondent
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

Wait...Ms. Anderson isn't perfect?

Jicama in the 'hood

2006-08-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

Is it really any wonder why we have such a large problem with obesity and diabetes in this country? It won't be after you read this article from Salon.com about access to fresh foods in inner-city America.

The lack of access to fresh fruits, vegetables, low-fat milk is truly appalling. What's more appalling is that as kids are being raised on industrial food from a can, they grow to like and look for those same tastes the rest of their lives...Unless we commit to doing something about it.

This story on NPR highlights that while many more Americans are being fed, the quality of the food they are receiving is not helping them, healthwise. Part 2 is here.

Think about this the next time you run back to the grocery store because you forgot to get a lime. Frequent your local farmer's markets. Choose local produce whenever possible. It's a start.

Wait, whuuuuuhhhh?

2006-07-26T15:59:00.000-07:00

Two items from MSNBC News Now:

Lance Bass is Gay. Ok, now who didn't know that, really? Did you see him on the Game Show Marathon? Who's more gay than Lance Bass?

According to Ann Coulter, Bill Clinton is. Is there anything that this woman won't say to try to get publicity? Next thing you know she'll be comparing liberals to the KKK...oh wait:

"With their infernal racial set-asides, racial quotas, and race norming, liberals share many of the Klan's premises. The Klan sees the world in terms of race and ethnicity. So do liberals! Indeed, liberals and white supremacists are the only people left in America who are neurotically obsessed with race. Conservatives champion a color-blind society." -- Ann Coulter, P. 26

She did.

I love you, David Hasslehof

2006-07-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

Enjoy this tastiness...

...and perhaps, I will jump into your car...

Yes, I'm one of those parents

2006-07-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

But he's pretty freaking cute, isn't he?

They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

2006-07-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, seriously, I may go to hell for saying this, but how F-ing old is Carl Kasell? The guy should NOT be on the radio. You have got to listen to All Things Considered on NPR...this guy reads the news. I use the word "reads" loosely as he can barely mumble his way through most of it. Maybe he needs his dentures tightened? I don't know...but I know he's been on the radio for over 50 years...maybe it's time to try blogging...so we don't have to listen to you.

Apparently he is also the "Official Scorekeeper" for some crappy news quiz on NPR as well...enjoy the audio.

::The Gendarme was smote by lightening after writing this::

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

2006-06-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

Finally. There is "indisputable," scientific, government backed proof that secondhand smoke is bad. Who didn't know this?

Perhaps this will finally lead to legislation that would ban smoking within 15 feet of entrances to public buildings. I can't tell you how many times I've walked down the street and been clobbered by a cloud of someone's smoke. It's nasty.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I am a former smoker, but have 5 years of sobriety under my belt. I can empathize with smokers who feel like they are being persecuted. However, as a smoker, I had no idea how much my smoking bothered non-smokers. I'm a huge proponent of personal freedoms...but only if it's not hurting anyone else.

There is now no doubt that smoking not only hurts the smoker, but also non-smokers in their path, and puts a huge drain on the entire health system.

As far as I'm concerned, the only place you should be able to smoke is in your home, as long as there isn't anyone under the age of 18 in the house at the same time. Ok, maybe your back yard.

Imagine all the buttholes...

2006-06-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

Why is Brian Grazer such a butthole?

I'm driving home last night, listening to NPR, and another installment in their "This I Believe" series comes on.

Who do i hear but the pocket-sized producer:

"I was 45 years old when I decided to learn how to surf."

Oooookay....

Who the hell cares? He goes on:

“Disrupting my comfort zone, bombarding myself with challenging people and situations, this is the best way I know to keep growing. And... if you’re not growing, you're dying.”

Look. I'm all for bettering myself, but seriously...this guy is a huge movie and TV producer, worth millions of dollars and has produced some amazing films...wait, how about this? No? Ok, this one was OK, right? Wow, ok, maybe most people can agree that this one didn't suck, but aside from Real Genius, did he make anything worthwhile?

Secondly, how do you bombard yourself with "challenging people?" I imagine him with those Kareem Abdul-Jabbar goggles, on a SlamBall court, having people like John Stossel and Christopher Hitchens hurled at him with a giant human slingshot. But I digress...

Napoleon here is one of the wealthiest people in Hollywood, and now he's gotta go on NPR and talk about how that's just not enough for him...he's gotta go bug Edward Teller, the father of the f-ing H-Bomb, while he was still alive. This spiky haired midget boasts about how he pestered and cajoled Teller into taking a meeting with him, only for Teller to tell him what an idiot he is.

Brian, here's an idea...next time you want to "disrupt your comfort zone," why don't you try going to a developing country and helping some people. Why don't you donate all of that Nutty Professor money and live in a 1 bedroom apartment for the rest of your life. Why don't you do something that might actually make a difference in someone else's life, and help them grow?

You selfish bastard.

I'm certainly not watching

2006-06-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

For those of you unfamiliar with the Land of TeeVee, or if you haven't seen Pulp Fiction, a "pilot" is a test episode of a television show that the network monkeys watch to decide if it fits into their lowest common denominator.

While this pilot isn't exactly the greatest thing since sliced bread, it's certainly better than 99% of the sitcoms currently on major network television. Perhaps that's why Nobody's Watching them. You gotta love the jabs it takes at Yes, Dear.

(Part 2, Part 3)

You should watch this before they pull it off youtube for good...since, you know, it's stolen and all...

Run Abdullah, Run

2006-06-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

Seriously, what's wrong with people? This 16 year old girl, Katherine Lester from Flint, Michigan (mind you, not know for its critical thinkers) tells her parents that she's going with some friends to Canada, so she needs a passport. They get it for her...I mean, what could ever happen in Canada?

Meanwhile, she's been conversing with some guy from Jordan, yes, the middle eastern Jordan, halfway around the world, on MySpace.com. This guy goes by the name of Abdullah Psycho. Hello! Abdullah psycho?!?!? This freak show has two profiles on MySpace...One saying he's 25, the other saying he's 14. Now which one do you use to pick up on 16 year old girls? Turns out he's neither age, he's a 20 year old delivery driver in Jordan who lives with his parents. While it's no surprise that he lives with his parents, I was surprised that he wasn't, in fact, a 53 year old pervert. ABC, through their Powers of Investigation, found this Abdullah and interviewed him. He says he loves her...aint that sweet?

Here's the part that makes me worry about society. Instead of locking this girl in her room until she turns 25 (admittedly, not the best solution), her parents allow ABC to fly them all on an expenses paid trip to New York City, so she can be on TV and all her friends can see her. Seriously, her parents need a boot to the head.

This Oprah mentality, that everyone's personal problems are easier to solve on TV than they are in the privacy of your home just rewards the people who do these idiotic things for attention in the first place.

Does anyone think that this girl really loves this guy? Doesn't it make more sense that she's not getting enough attention from daddy, so she flies halfway around the world, only to be rewarded with attention from dear old dad, and dads all over the US?

As my own personal devil says, give me a break.